Whirlwind

I can not believe that it has been a year since i was in the hospital, in preterm labor, with my little buddy. It was exactly a year ago and has been an absolute whirlwind since. I think I got released right around April 16th. I can remember it like it was yesterday, unfortunately. One of the worst experiences of my life. Actually, both times were two awful experiences. At least I kinda knew what to expect the second time around. The smells, the feels, the sounds, the pains and medication.... everything comes back so quick every time I think about it. The only times I ever left my room for 14 straight days was to get ultrasounds. I think I had 3, and it took maybe 10 minutes from when I left my room to when I got back. Totally not long enough. And having to lay on my side every second of the day and night was terrible! Every time there was a spike in the # of contractions on my contraction monitor, a nurse would come in and bust me laying on my back. I didn't think my hips could last any longer. And my legs hurt soooo bad. Talk about some serious restless leg syndrome on top of the leg cramps that the shitty medication I was on gave me. Terbutaline is not fun, in any way. Especially when you have to be hooked up to an iv of it at home for 11 weeks. Well, I call it an iv but it didn't go in my veins which is what an iv means. It actually went into the muscle in my quad. And lucky me, I had the task of taking it out and putting it in my other leg every 5 days. The hospital actually makes sure you're capable of sticking a needle into yourself before they will release you with the stupid thing. That was real fun. 11 weeks of severe headaches, severe heartburn (like waking up choking on acid 5 times a night), leg cramps, nausea, blurred vision, the list goes on...

But at least, at the very least, I didn't have to be on magnesium sulphate (mag) for that long. For the love of god, that stuff is DEVIL SERUM!! I'm not even going to talk about that, it would deserve a blog of its own but I don't like to talk about it so there wont be a blog about it. I like to pretend like that stuff doesn't exist. Yes, it's that bad. Nobody in this world should ever have to endure that shit. Obviously, I had a really bad reaction to it. It's not that bad for everyone, but it is for some. I think that maybe they didn't take my weight into consideration when administering dosing. Maybe that's why it was so bad but whatever, it's still the DEVIL!

Anyway, back to the hosptital experience. My OBGYN released me from his care into the hands of a group of perinatologists (sp?). These are the doctors that specialize in super early preterm labor pregnancies. The group of docs that my OBGYN splits his hospital time with weren't comfortable treating a 23 week pretermer. These perinatologists people were nice enough to sit down with me and talk about how messed up my baby would have most likely been in the longterm if I were to have had him that early. I'm not even going to go into the looooong list of bad things that would have happened to him because it makes me cry when I talk about it. Lets just say his quality of life, if he would made it through his 50% chance of survival, would have been very crappy. Yes, super preemies get released when they get a clean bill of health. Most problems come later, they're mostly developmental - physically and mentally. Thankfully that isn't an issue now.

And then of course my poor little miss Kylee was all mixed up. She used to be such a mama's girl. About a week before I ended up in there she started warming up to daddy a little more. Thank god or else it would have been even worse that I was gone. She was sooooooo mad at me for leaving. Ryan would bring her up to the hospital to see me everyday and she would cry every time I touched her. She wouldn't sit with me, talk to me, play with me, hug me, look at me... nothing! It totally broke my heart. Her whole life got turned upside down. Even after I made it back home, it took her a couple weeks to warm back up to me. She was pissed! Thankfully she has forgotten that I abandoned her and loves me again. I'm just grateful that I'm not pregnant again right now. And yes, I am maybe hoping to have another one in a few years. I know I'm crazy. But those kids are the LOVES OF MY LIFE. And I know that once they're a little older and it life gets a little easier and less chaotic, that I will want another one. I do think to myself though.... what if? What if next time I can't hang on long enough to make it to the safe zone? I was 29 weeks with Kylee when it started and only 23 weeks with Nolan so it would be even earlier a 3rd time. I would feel so bad if I coudn't hang on long enough and had a child with lifelong problems. How unfair that I knew the chances and took them anyway? Makes me feel kinda selfish to have the desire. Who knows, maybe I'll win the powerball someday and can afford a surrogate! Ha!